Monthly Archives: February 2012

Stop calling, stop calling. I don’t wanna think anymore!

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Stop calling, stop calling. I don’t wanna think anymore!

I think I’m probably not your typical woman. For lots of reasons really, but one thing that seems to single me out from the feminine race, day after day, other than my increasing tendency to grow unwanted facial hair, is the fucking telephone. I wonder how many of you hate your phone, as much as I hate mine. I hate the landline phone with a passion, I hate the mobile ringing, I hate your phone ringing, I hate people talking into them in public, I hate stupid ringtones, I hate the Nokia original tune. You name it I hate it.

My daughter has just discovered talking to her mates, after spending whole days with them at school. I’ve watched her wander around the room with the other girl on speaker phone and they are describing what they’re doing at that precise moment for two fucking hours!!! I also get to pay the bill for the privilege.

Now I’m guessing you also hate the phone, when it’s that annoying sod on the line, the one who calls you bang on tea time to try to sell you crap you don’t want, or the arse that insists that you had a loan with ppi that you can claim back . No doubt you also hate the man with the accent you can’t understand. You know the one who is certain you didn’t claim compensation for an accident you definitely had that you definitely didn’t  have!! These phone calls in my house are sorted quite quickly to be fair. I tell them I’m not interested and if they haven’t managed to comprehend that in the time i’ve spent saying it. I simply hang up,if they’re still talking,well I’m afraid that’s tough! I’m far to lazy to be arguing with a hard sell all evening, thank you! They don’t tend to call back. Well not that night at least.

No I hate the phone 99.9% of the time. I work mornings, as you who have been following the blog will be already aware of (other than the Wednesday late one). I finish around lunch time,so it’s a question of grabbing some provisions from work at ‘retail super giant’ and heading back for a whirlwind of cleaning, washing, bed changing, appointments and errand running. Basically everything us full-time mum’s with children have to do. But I squish it into the afternoons. Evening is my time. Not housework time,I have to stick to this or I would end up very depressed! This schedule enables me to have a part-time job too, so we all benefit. I also try to fit in a couple of gym sessions after work if I can and perhaps two catch up coffees with friends a week as well.

It doesn’t seem to matter what order I put these afternoon tasks in.It doesnt matter if I train first, Hoover first or eat first. The minute I get my arse settled on the sofa to eat my sandwich,that little bastard knows and he starts! I notice the minute I put my little one in the bath, it does it too. Ring, ring, bloody ring.

Around tea time it’s on fire. When’s it’s not the call centres. Its my husband. Unless he’s working from home,he rings me daily for lengthy chats. Once, maybe twice a day if something he finds interesting has happened. It doesn’t matter that he’s on the way home,he’ll see me in an hour or I’ve got winging children around my feet. It doesn’t matter I’m cooking the tea, that he will want to eat the minute he gets in or the fact we have guests sat on the sofa. He is still incredibly attached to this time talking on the phone. Talking all the way home from his meetings, on his hands free kit, regardless of the reception he is often getting at the other end. Well unless I tell him something that I find interesting and he doesn’t. He then receives an urgent call that he has to answer, right then.

That leads on to my most hated phone call of all,when the reception is bad!!! How can anyone still want to continue a conversation when you’re listening to ..Llo …you there,bu…li…ta…hello…there. Please hang up. In fact I hang up on these ones regardless of who it is. I then bang the phone in and out of the holder a few times, to release the pent-up frustration I experience on these calls.

Don’t get me wrong if it’s important or I havent seen you for months ring (if I don’t answer I’m caught up but do leave me an answer phone message) or even better text and arrange a visit. I don’t mind talking just not all day and not on that thing. I have so many pointless conversations when I need to be doing other things. Some days I barely seem to have time to wipe my arse and I’m having a conversation on the phone in the middle of sticky floors, dusty surfaces and piles of washing and the other person is asking questions but not listening to the answers. The worst of it is they rang me!!!

There it is. In all its simplicity.I hate the phone.

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Womens talk-A weighty issue.

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Womens talk-A weighty issue.

I have a summer holiday in Turkey booked for June,I have vowed to get in shape for it.I’ve got a home gym in the garage made up of various fads I’ve had in the past.There’s a cross trainer that sorted out my baby weight left from having my daughter Leah,there’s the rowing machine i had to shed the baby weight left from my son Sammy,there’s the treadmill i bullied my neighbours mercilessly for a year untill they sold it to me (to be fair they were using it as a bloody clothes horse!!) and there’s the weights trainer that my hubby would tell you he uses,but in reality i can’t remember the last time it had weight put on it .My rather handy hubby has installed a ceiling,IR heating and a wood floor. It’s also Wednesday,and on a Wednesday i was going to visit my gym come hell or high water. Truth is Wednesday is the only day in the week i don’t work in the daytime (I go in at half five to count stuff instead) so it makes sense to do a little exercise on a wednesday.All it takes is that short walk down the path and I’m there.But i’m not,im still here talking to myself!

I  want to wear a bikini on holiday ,not a one piece or a tankini.The one piece costume seems to have a wonderful knack of making my boobs look flatter and my arse look fatter,and the tankini hides the bit of my body that is really quite skinny.(Under my boobs where the bra line stops,in case you were wondering). I really don’t want to wear ethier one poolside. Pool….side, you understand as I don’t get in the pool unless my life depended on it.I hate my hair getting wet,I hate children splashing ,I like being hot,really hot, a hot you never get in this beautiful country we live in,where it rains 99% of the fucking time. I  don’t see the point of cooling down on holiday,if i wanted to stay cool i’d holiday in Cornwall, i go on holiday to get hot.

I want to look great in a bikini without running on my treadmill.Today I don’t want to have to run to nowhere.My bumcheeks don’t want to create their own gravitational force,my stomach muscles don’t want to pull me into another sit up and to be honest i would rather go back to bed.

There it is in a nutshell really,why are things that are good for us so hard? Why do we to try to look a way that most of us will never achieve anyway? Don’t get me wrong,i don’t class myself as fat.I’ve never been obese or morbidly obese, I’m usually somewhere between the upper end of the normal weight Bmi scale or just into the overweight category of the Bmi scale, when I don’t use the gym or I eat what I want to rather than what’s actually good for me. But i feel pressure to look and work towards someone elses ideal.I  think society has to take some blame,i do read the ridiculous magazines that will portray a larger figure to be a figure much like Beyonces.I hate to disagree but she is about eight or nine stone max, she is hardly plus size is she? But i’m intelligent enough to realise those magazines are complete bollocks and i should probably not give the publishers my hard-earned money,(well my earned money at least).

I’m not critical towards other people’s bodies in the slightest,I’ll be the first to point out your amazing bone structure or reply ‘don’t be daft you’re not fat, you’re perfectly in proportion and by god look at that amazing rack’,or when you winge I’ll say how boring it would be if we were all the same but I find it hard to extend the same kindness to myself .I understand and like my personality (we talk for hours ;-D) but I am so critical of my body that houses it!

I’m wondering exactly where it stems from,i had a happy childhood and i can’t remember even worrying about my body shape as a child,i don’t think it was on my radar.Although i did get involved in my first relationship of four years at a very young age,age 14,with a lad who had crippling self-esteem issues so maybe a bit rubbed off on me in my teens.

I also got married young and had my daughter quite young,I was only 19 years old when I fell pregnant with Leah ,and I found it incredibly difficult to cope with the changes pregnancy had made to my figure after she was born,just before my 20th birthday.I had thought baby weight just comes off naturally,in my case, this just isn’t true. So after feeling unhappy for about a year,waiting for it to fall off ,all the while stuffing myself with nahn breads as a tasty brunch snack or family sized chocolate bars as they ‘were cheaper’. I took matters into my own hands and put myself on a strict diet and vigorous exercise regime where i trained in the gym four mornings a week,plus using a cross trainer in the evenings and i used to Rollerblade on a weekend. I also cut out processed foods,starchy white carbs,sweet things,well most foods to be honest,i lived on protein and veg with two squares of dark chocolate as a treat.

I did find the exercise addictive and i think it was a crutch for a rather difficult time of my life too.I loved my daughter unreservedly but I found adjusting to being a young mother and the move to Germany to live with my husband difficult.Within the first two years of Leah’s life ,my mother battled an aggressive breast cancer and my sister was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder plus manic depression for good measure (bi polar disease) so it was a tough time within our family and quite simply i missed my parents and my sister beyond belief when I couldn’t see them regularly ,as well as adjusting to the fact I was a mother and housewife already at 20.

So back to the weight issue as I’m off on a tangent.I held this figure and lifestyle for about four years .I felt I looked fantastic but it didn’t make me any happier,i was just as up and down as always. It didn’t change any problems in my life.

I found once I’d moved back to the UK, I was able to relax a little,with the input of family and close friends,i became slightly less obsessive with my diet and exercise routine. I gained a little bit of weight and a life.We then made the decision to have another child and Sam left me with a bit of extra weight too.I again sold into the idea of thin is sexy and joined weight watchers,it worked for me I was back to eight stone ish in no time.Problem was I couldn’t hold it off,as soon as I started to eat like a person rather than a mouse I regained it with some more on top.

Right now I’ve managed through not overeating but not dieting and occasional jaunts into my gym, to lose some weight and tone up a bit,but i’m far from eight stone,so here we are right back where I’ve started.I want to wear that bikini for my holiday,did i say? So to gym or not to gym that is the question,isn’t it? Or is it still a question of self esteem?

Benefits why work?

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Benefits why work?

I opened a letter  this week, it was to inform our family that we no longer fit the criteria for any family tax credit payments, so the £30 we received every four weeks, for our two children will cease. After slight annoyance, well £30 is £30 after all, i had to admit to myself with our country’s current economic crisis it seems quite fair than the state need to cut outgoings somewhere. We are a family with two working parents, my husband has a well paid job as a full time control systems engineering accounts manager and I’m currently working at ‘retail super giant’ as a stock controller. So the £30 would not make a great amount of difference, so it should probably be put to better use elsewhere in the community.

Wandering into work the next morning at ‘retail super giant’ I had a discussion with one of my colleagues about the tax credit’s system and we got onto the subject of child benefit.

Chancellor George Osborne has said child benefit for higher rate taxpayers will be removed,at some point. A point I was aware from an old conversation I had discussing finances with my hubby. Chancellor George Osborne has also said ‘We’re very clear that it is fair that those who are better off in our society make a contribution to the saving of money we need to make… so we will be removing child benefit from higher rate taxpayers. On reflection this sounds fair doesn’t it? In practice I’m not sure how fair it is.

The Coalition have said that nearly 70,000 households in England are receiving more than  £26,000 a year in benefits. Ministers also said that this figure is equivalent to a working person having a £35,000  pre-tax salary. They were actually discussing this as a separate issue to the one i’m talking about.They were saying that no family should be receiving more than that in benefits, but i have used the figure to get my point across for this blog.

The cut of the child benefit and family tax credits proposed would not just include our top earners in England.  (such as those footie players,how can you earn so much kicking a ball,answers on a postcard please?)  There will also be planned cuts to a working families’ income who earn only slightly above the 35,000 annual pre tax salary, so in retrospect people earning only slightly above what another family receive in benefits, will lose their children’s child benefit and the small amount of family tax credit but a family receiving the the same income  in handouts will get to keep their family tax credit and the child benefit they have.

So tell me why are benefits paying so much to the lower-income workers? Are we a secret communist state, because I don’t think that tends to work in practice? Add into this the family who would lose out especially would be the stay at home parent with the partner earning a good income of £44,000 because she would lose her child benefit for all her children but the couple both earning £22,000 each would still receive it,how is that fair? If you take from one family shouldn’t you take from the other, family too? I would have thought the money is the same amount, it goes equally as far.

I’m honestly believe that everyone deserves a warm home, plenty of food to eat, electricity and running water no matter what you earn, if that means the stronger members of the community need to support the more vulnerable members of the community from their taxes. Then so be it. What I don’t believe in though, is that middle earning families should be paying higher rate taxes and receiving no benefits so slightly lower-income families can benefit from the same income without earning it.

Where is the incentive to study hard, go into further education, work longer hours or push for that promotion? A person earning that money would have studied for a number of years to gain valuable qualifications, he might risk life and limb to do his job, maybe she works 60+ hours a week.

In England you might as well remain unmarried, both work 16 hours in the easiest job you can find and receive the rest of the finances needed to have a family income of £35,000, on tax credits. Factor into that only low-income and single parent families are entitled to the 70% paid childcare element of the working families tax credit as well, there’s no big wonder why the middle earning families are becoming bitter, is there?

Surely it would have been better to introduce a subsidy for the childcare therefore encouraging more parents to work, meaning more taxes, which equates to more money back in the economy? Personally I would have loved to go back to work after my son was born but because we couldn’t afford the childcare fees I had to work anti social evenings and half six starts on alternative weekends for a few years instead to make that extra bit of money that takes family life from basic to fun.

Also one extra little point the tax credit was originally brought in as a bit of your tax (only if you paid some) paid back for the tax payers with children. When did it turn into a code for welfare payment?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that families where the parents have a disability, a chronic medical problem or broken families that need a bit of support to get back on their feet, should always get looked after but i do wonder if some of the money is in the wrong place. Added to that I believe if you can afford one child you have one, you don’t have six and expect a bigger house paid for with housing benefit, its crazy, isn’t it?!

Respect in the community.

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Respect in the community.

I’m really quite sure that my wonderings over the last two days may not appeal to every friend of mine that had a laugh reading ‘a confident vagina’ but this blog to me was going to be more of a diary,a thought diary if you will or a bucket to tip conversations i have with myself out of my head.I have the tendency to go over and over the same thoughts constantly,so it’s my bit of therapy.We can always talk boobies another day?

I’m angry about something and I want to write about it,so that’s exactly what im going to do.You were not kidding,Teresa Morgan when you said this blog stuff is addictive 😉

So ok, i was at work wed when a neighbour ,and I suppose colleague if you like, as she works for the same company albeit at another store,wanders in and we have a chat. She was chatting about her family,some recent holiday plans, quite run of the mill stuff really,so i asked her how was work going? I might add here that,i think we’ll call her Lana to respect her privacy,Lana has what society would call a learning disability, an easy tag to describe individuals who don’t fit the box of what is perceived as the norm,i think. Lana has confided to me that she has had developmental delays growing up,she finds social interaction difficult and classes herself as a vulnerable adult now she’s in her mid twenties. Although she is very warm and friendly with people she knows,she find’s it hard to initiate a conversation with people she doesn’t know.

Anyway she instantly dropped eye contact and stared up towards the ceiling but looked really sad. Lana has worked in her job for a number of years and seemed very content there,it’s what got us chatting in the first place really,that and our mutual love of gummy sweets. She said she might have to ‘change things there.’ I did question what had changed as she’d seemed happy there in the past. To which she replied telling me she had a new colleague. Lana felt that the person in question is treating her like’ she’s different’ this is her own words,she felt he had been sending her to do things,that had been done and laughing with another colleague at Lana’s efforts. I felt so sad for her,as Lana has struggled other the years with what i would call bullying.Plenty of unkind remarks,laughing at her expense and social exclusion from her peer group,but her job was always a big positive in her life. I have encouraged her to set up a meeting with a store manager so hopefully the problems will get resolved in her case.I’m kind of hoping the horrible individual get’s fired or some poetic justice might come back and smack him in the face or someone else makes him feel like the ignoramus that he is and/or punches him in the face.

But it makes me question society as a whole really,I have heard a friends thankfully ex partner,a grown man of 30 plus years shout out names such as ‘freak’ at Lana and had to have a serious discussion with a friend of my daughters about respecting human rights and everyone being very different but that being an amazing thing, after inappropriate behaviour towards her too. I understand children will always question life and differences but we as parents and as a community have a responsibility to protect and uphold the rights of everyone in it,don’t we? A responsibility to educate our children about differences and appropriate behaviour towards people in our community? Why do so many people not give a shit or even worse exploit others or use them for a joke. Its prejudice isn’t it? Just a heads up,I don’t think it’s funny at all!!!

Women’s talk. A confident vagina.

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Women’s talk. A confident vagina.

What do I want to talk about today? My first proper blog and quite simply I want to discuss my vagina, perhaps your vagina,all of our vagina’s . Yep really ;-D

We as young women have come a long way since our grandmothers time. We live in a liberated free society with women as a whole in charge of their own sexual existence. Who,when and how much being a woman’s choice. I live in a place where talking sex toys,sexual partners, pornography and extra marital affairs are fairly common place and I don’t live in Albert square ethier in case you were wondering 😀  Yet I talk with the same women and they seem fairly surprised if I say the word vagina!

I have one friend who in her younger years has helped me to visualise most penis’ she has encountered,this has made fascinating conversation and led to plenty of deep (excuse the pun) thoughtful reflections on us as sexual beings. But it did lead me to wonder why when we would discuss such intimate acts we would do so without ever using the word vagina.

There it came about,for me it was embarrassing,i don’t find discussing sex,boobs or willies embarrassing but back then I found discussing my own vagina was indeed embarrassing. I had thought in my late teens that it didn’t look exactly the same as other vagina’s I’d seen working in the adult film industry and thought maybe a nip and a tuck would make it more attractive for a man to look at? I’ve pondered this a little over the years but never brought it up. A  few years later as an adult i mentioned something to my sister one day. After two vaginal births,one episotomy and two lots of stitches, my vagina still didn’t quite look like Debbie’s from Dallas’ ,i’m afraid. My sister lent a great perspective on the matter partly because she owns a vagina and partly because she’s seen more vagina’s than i have as she happens to be gay. She laughed and insisted no two are the same,just as no two penis are alike. This was a few years ago and i also read an article aimed for young teens at the same time.It was enabling them to understand their bodies are all different and supposed to be that way. It discussed photo airbrushing that occurs on the majority of adult publications. With a small (or large)  input from my husband when branded with the question of surgery in relation to one of his favourite places,he added his vagina’s =good surgery=bad angle,which made me feel slightly silly about the whole idea.

I decided then that i would hate my daughter to feel the way i had,to grow up and feel so uncomfortable with such an amazing part of her own body.I vowed then to bring it to the forefront of sexual conversations with friends. Plenty of pointed inappropriate conversations later with my colleagues in ‘retail super giant’ i seem to have single-handedly increased the daily word usage of vagina.I discuss my vagina when relevant and maybe occasionally when not, as do plenty of my close friends now 😀

We as women are having sexual relationships, we need to feel we are equal participants in them, our vagina’s pleasure is just as important as your man’s penis. So celebrate what we have and who we are. Let’s be honest, who (other than you Katie Price) is crazy enough to undergo major surgery for a pretty fanny when most men are just extremely grateful to get to a receptive vagina,any receptive vagina!!!

Kara escaped facebook.com

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Hello peeps.

Ok i have decided after leaving yet another ridiculously long comment on another Facebook friend’s status update,to set up my own blog.To be honest with you world, it’s an experiment, borne out of the idea Kara Dormer Facebook user is boring the living daylights out of the my average Facebook friend.I ‘m not sure if I have the commitment or desire to become a furiously dependant blogger but maybe, just maybe this is the platform i need to be able to analyse and make sense of the world or make sense of me,or just to let off steam when i don’t agree with you and then agree with myself when I’m the only person to read it back 😀

Today’s thought patterns are fairly mundane as i have had a peaceful day,with a routine stint at work,a few household chores and the intellectual stimulation of Closer magazine,Coach Trip and Come Dine With Me in that order. There has not been the usual earthquake of my volatile daughter and no emotive conversations or family happenings to speak off ethier,which I’m happy with, as you may come to see this is not altogether the norm for me!

I may mention it’s also valentines day today,not that its featured in my day other than counting the slightly larger box of malteasers that we sell at a ‘ large retail super giant’ that i work for as a stock controller. But i felt a duty to comment on it as it seems to be a bigger issue for other couples that are not us. Neither my husband or myself with win any romance awards,so we decided to ‘not bother’. Putting our cash towards something worthwhile such as our forthcoming holiday or paying my outstanding balance on my ‘new teeth’. The whole idea i find is a bit contrived. Although i love my husband dearly (unless i happen to be near that time of the month or he’s left crumbs on the surfaces again that is,in that case i may well be ‘leaving him’)  i find romance at best amusing, at worse downright awkward and then to be told to show it on a certain day,well i can’t see that happening,this is shades of my dear mother i feel!

So getting to the point…of todays blog .It’s stemmed from a short Facebook comment regarding the same sentiment I’ve seen repeated page after page of Facebook statuses and real human conversation. Sentimental touching musings from one loving young mother about the sadness of looking through old photos of her young children,realising that time is passing by and facing a fear that the future can’t possibly  be as special as the last few years which have been her children’s valued first few years. Where does this come from i wonder? Is this a biological trait evolved for us to continue making children? Even when most mothers are stretched to their limits and have no more time,money or patience to spare on further children,they still feel sad about not having more?  And here I’m not talking about the mother in question,but all the mothers that ask that question. I have replied with what i felt was a kind point out of all the wonderful things still to come,like first crush,first big tooth appearing ect but looking at it now I’ve managed to also point out the worst thing’s about having babies,tots and pre schoolers such as nappies,skiddy knickers,sticky hand prints on the windows,tantrums and I could go on. Which has all led me to my blog. About me. Why is it i need to point out the bad in children? Or disagree with a heartfelt status of someone i barely know? It’s not really that i want to talk,i do that enough with my family,my few close friends and numerous acquaintances and colleagues at ‘retail super giant’, if it’s anything I sometimes desire its more peace and quiet time,not more people to ‘chat too.’ So maybe it’s because I want to write or I want you to listen? So here goes……….