Monthly Archives: March 2012

Motherhood and the less maternal mother.

Motherhood and the less maternal mother.

I really dislike toddlers and pre schoolers.There i’ve put it in print.As harsh as it looks,it’s still true.

I’ve had my usual friday shift at work at the local ‘retail super giant’ which means i work untill one rather than twelve .It has dragged with a morning full of investigating our stock levels. This is the second day running I’ve concentrated on this task,but as boring as this may have been  (although not as bad as my most hated job of counting the frozen stock *shivers and grimaces*) when the onslaught of the children finishing preschool with their overtired mothers and baby/toddler brothers and sisters arrived,I was left counting my lucky stars to be pottering in my little shop with adult company.

I do have children.I have two of the most opposite children you would ever meet.

Leah who is sometimes refered to as ‘the evil one’ by her father is ten years old.

Leah came into the world already angry at the fact she was here.She was two weeks overdue,with a screwed up face and would scream 80% of the time.She suffered from colic,dairy intolerance and caught some horrible gastric bugs on a recurrent basis.She rolled,sat up,crawled and walked early.I think this was bourne out of sheer frustration rather than ability. When she conquered something she would instantly start whining about the next thing she wanted to do.She had/has the concentration span of a knat and didn’t play with toys for any amount of time until she discovered electronics. The terrible twos started at 18 months for Leah and I suspect never ended as she still jumps up and down screaming at the world, if things don’t go her way.She uses no as her default answer,she revels in pointing out that your arse/tum has got bigger or that you look rough, the only real difference to her tantrums is now she also slams doors and wishes she or you dead as well as the screaming. Its also a much bigger job dragging her to school when she doesn’t want to go,as I discovered last week.( I’m only 5ft nothing,I think she might have realised!) I had Leah in Germany and I found the first few years of her life tramatic.As much as I loved her I found adjusting to being a wife and young mother,as well as being a long way from home and a support network,hard. I remember bus journeys that Leah cried all the way there and all the way back from wherever we went. I remember my hubby and my first adult outing after she was born.A paid babysitter endured three hours of Leah’s night time crying and then phoned us as we were checking out the sweet menu to come home,as she couldn’t bear any more and she knew ‘kids’. On the plus side Leah was always so exhausted from all the screaming she slept through the night at six months.Her personailty is still a strong one.The good thing now though is that she knows right from wrong and being so strong-willed she won’t be persuaded to do anything silly,I hope . Although volatile, she is a very sensible young girl who is very social and makes friends very easily.She’s also got quite a wicked sense of humour when she’s in the right mood and i enjoy her conversation. You might think my daughter may have coloured my view on children but five and a half years later,Sam happened.

Sammy also affectionately known as ‘the mule/muley'( he didn’t look like a Samuel as a newborn so I decided that I’d call him by the second part of his name.I don’t remember why and it just stuck) is approaching five years old. He is a little ray of sunshine.His baby years were a fantastic time.Sam rarely cried and was the most placid baby/lad that you ever would meet.He smiles and laughs easily and is amazed by the world around him.I now had family and friends close by and hubby and myself are a well established couple and old hand parents. I figured Sam must have been sent to me to prove children can be enjoyed rather than endured.He took ages to move, simply because he had absolutely no desire to go ‘over there’ when he was quite happy ‘right here’.His terrible twos went without a mention, although it was around this time he discovered the word no and on the rare occasion he really doesn’t want to do something,he won’t and there’s really nothing you can say or do that will change that.But these were few and far between and when he smiles at you,you’re likely to give in anyway.Sam’s only real defect was quite a large one though,he didn’t sleep through the night until he had turned three years old.When he was a little baby this was an excuse to have a sneaky cuddle with him or he woild just lie there watching his cot mobile quietly but later on,he used it as a good opportunity to do something.Such as the time he got  out of bed and rubbed sudocreme into his new carpet! Or he would absail off his chest of drawers and run up and down the landing for a bit until we put a stair gate on his bedroom door.

There’s definitely no question,I don’t lack maternal instinct with ethier of my children.I love my children but children en masse send shivers down my spine.The exception i have to this is I love newborns for that first six months,they’re awesome.Even crying ones.

Toddlers on the other hand really don’t make any sense to me.They have developed the maximum amount of motor skills but absolutely no common sense.Although i love the tots in my life it’s more for what they were and what they will be then what they are right now. A phase to be endured ;-D I still find it hard to watch my friend’s tot’s rubbing crisps into my sofa,and throwing juice cups around the clean living area.I find it difficult to keep my sense of humour when i watch them get my sons toys out over the floor to merely walk over.I dislike finding fingerprints over the glass and constant cbeebies droning on in the background.

And having more than one over at a time,forget it!! I think nursery workers are underpaid. I’d rather clean toilets for a living.Sam’s 4th birthday was prime example of why.I thought by just having one child over it would be a walk in the park,it may have been If I’d asked a different child perhaps. After an exhaustive three hours of having my fake smile in place,while said child had ordered Sam about,hogged all the toys,shouted, screamed and ran around for no reason,i was done. Once the party tea was over and the candles blown out, he was quickly rushed back home.To be fair to me, by this time my husband had nearly lost his eye from the third time said child had stuck a plastic sword in it and i’d had quite enough,thank you.

I also couldn’t care less about the best pureed food manufacturers,cloth nappies vs disposable’s and I’ve never felt the need to buy a micro scooter for my children to get them ready for the normal kind.I sometimes say swear words in front of my kids and I’m so glad I won’t sing a potty song again for a long time,unless of course I’ve managed to consume one too many jagermeister shots and I’m singing to my own vagina.

If this is not bad enough,the only thing I hate more than small children en masse would have to be  small children en masse with their ridiculous mothers. I am really,really glad to see the end of mum and tots groups.These were the one’s I felt I had to attend for my children’s sake although I’m still not sure if they,in particular the old style ones gave the kids any worthwhile skills at all. We all know the ones, they have the headless dolls,grubby blocks and puzzles with missing bits for the children to play with. So you leave your clean,comfy house to sit in a grubby hall with the precious’ mums,who like to judge you on your lack of breast-feeding ability. To be fair I was shit,three days with the first,i didn’t bother with the second and as time has passed,I no longer feel any guilt,sorry! Although i did manage to push both babies out in under five hours with minimal hospital intervention,so pat on the back for me,huh?

I must admit i did feel secretly vindicated the day my son gave a rather lazy mother’s daughter a smack after she tried to pull a soft block away from him,for the tenth time. I’m not sure my true feelings didn’t show on my face but then again I didn’t really care what said mother  thought. She really should have been watching her own kid rather than letting strangers do it for her, while she was busy preaching ‘they have to learn to share’ all the while sat on her fat arse.It wasn’t sharing really, was it? It was more your child taking whatever was in my childs hands.Not really the same thing!  No wonder Sam lost his temper. There was definitely better client’s at the boogie beats/tumble tots type ones.I think they only attracted the mums that like to move! But I’m still glad they’re all behind me.

So I guess all in all I’m not a perfect mother.Or I have learnt the secret to being a mother. I aim for good enough without losing myself in the process. Surely good enough 100% of the time sure beats being a textbook mum 50% of the time meanwhile verging on a breakdown for the other  50% of the time? Over to you.