Hello all, a while since the last post but after two weeks of thinking i was itching to put it all down again.
So now I am thirty years old and until recently thought that my baby rearing days were behind me. I have been married eleven years and have two children. Leah at ten years old (who was the main reason our wedding came rushing forward, meaning I married at the tender age of 19) and Sam at age five, our should be spoilt young son and the apple of my eye. To cut a very long story short, both children were more me that wanted to have them than my hubby. Leah was a very careless surprise, the best mistake I’ve ever made and Sam I’d wanted since Leah was three but with being posted around in the army, financial and emotional restraints, it took us another five years to be ready for a baby. But last week Chris had a bit of a turnaround,we are hoping to extend our house this year and he thought it would be a nice idea to extend the family after the work is completed. Maybe, perhaps? He’s already telling me off for thinking about it so much but i can’t help it, I’m a deep thinker as we’ve established through the last seven blogs.
So first thought was but I’ve just got my life back!!! Although my job isn’t the best paid job, I’m really happy in what I do. I do my little routines, a bit of computer work, a bit of counting, popping counts on the system and I make sure we know what is where at what time, not brain surgery granted but my job is still important to the retailer, I matter to the team and I love the companionship of my colleagues in ‘retail super giant’ . Three of them I now count as my good friends and the rest are the best bunch of people i’ve ever worked with .So it’s fab to work alongside them everyday and get paid for it. I also love the fact I can now work in the day. I don’t work weekends or evenings and my children are at school so other than the childcare juggling through the school breaks I’m not caring for children and then going out to work on top of that. I’ve had to do this in the past and sorry guys I won’t change my opinion on the fact if you are raising children younger than the age of 5 you’ve already got a full-time job, everything else is extra! My husband is of the opinion that it’s hardly important and as he’s had a very successful couple of years with a promotion and in financial terms it doesn’t matter if I didn’t return to work after maternity leave. But that is another point with my job. The independence it gives me , it’s not lots of money but it’s enough to treat myself and the kids to those little luxuries, that no we don’t need but yes we’d really like, or to treat a friend to a meal or drinks out, or a nice birthday present or help to pay towards our foreign holidays. Although Chris is generous with me I don’t like the idea of talking through every purchase with him. That wore very thin in our younger years. My job is my little piece of independence in my very dependent world so not returning to work would be I fear for the first time ever non negotiable! So that would mean paying childcare fees for the new little one to enable me to work. Again it sounds like no big deal but it would mean I wouldn’t have much money left over to spend or a big discussion insisting Chris should pay for childcare and he might just prefer to have his wife home to take care of the children. But then that is all temporary anyway as the little one would go to school at some point, so it would revert back to normal eventually. Wouldn’t it?
On the same subject, I’m now finding as the children get older, I’m much freer to enjoy personal pursuits. I can go off for a spa weekend with my friends or stay behind and chill on the sofa when the kids fancy accompanying their dad out and about. I attend zumba and aqua aerobics in the evenings with my mates and I can go out dancing/drinking if I fancy it knowing I can cope the next day a bit hungover. (there’s more babysitters as the children need less care too) A night out loses its glamour a little I find if you know you’re going to be up three times in the night!
The second thought was I really dislike tots and pre schoolers, i honestly save warehouse work for the early morning when the shop is filled to brim with crying, whining, snotty nosed toddlers, they leave me cold! Although Sam seemed to miss the terrible twos out all together, he was a diamond. Could i face mum and tot’s groups again!!! Would I really have too?
Another thought is the amazing age gap i would have, would the kids really benefit from having each other and i would have spent a long time bringing up children by the time they leave, is that what i really want? By the time Leah is twenty the youngest would only be seven or eight would I be tired of mother hood by then?
Then it crossed my mind I might not be as fertile as I was so it might not happen, that would be ok it would mean that my decision is made for me but it could be disappointing if i was trying then it couldn’t happen. Also I would imagine I am slightly more likely to have a child with abnormalities being in my thirties by the time it could happen. Although I’m a massive believer in what happens is ment to be, there are added issues with having a child with disabilities, isn’t there?
Plus the impact it puts on our relationship, both times when our children were small, we faltered, it became so much harder to maintain us among the family. I might be so tired that it impacts our sex life, which makes Chris grumpy and me feel like I’m failing as a wife. Chris is still as free to come and go as he pleases. He’s never been a guy who would take the mick out of this but a weekend at the football might upset me more if i was unable to be quite so free. With his current job he’s away so much of the time I would need to cope with the sleepless nights alone quite often plus the early start with the school run and even earlier when I went back to work and the child needs to get to childcare.
Then there is the old body image issue, I’m so appallingly sick (I had sixteen weeks of sickness with Leah and thirty weeks with Sammy) I don’t gain much weight when pregnant but this time would it turn my fairly firm waistline into a sack of jelly, I’ve been lucky with my skin going back to normal once I’ve lost the extra half stone but maybe I’ve pushed my luck as far as it will go. Good god will my vagina still tighten back up again, after three births? Vain perhaps? Normal worries definitely 😀
So I’m faced with this massive checklist of why not to do it. Yet when I read it back, I just get pictures of the past, my happiest memories. Meeting my babies when they were preciously new, the thrill of birth, the picture of my grandmother with the tiny baby in her wrinkled arms, seeing my babies when they are asleep and the happiness the children have given me every year when I’ve been planning Christmas day for the last ten years. I remember the kicks of pregnancy, their first words, the first day’s of school. I think of the people who mean most to me aside from Chris and the kids, my parents and my kid sister and I know family is the most precious gift I have in my life. I can already see flashes of the future surrounded by elderly parents, grown up children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and it’s all I can do to wait for tomorrow. A dream or reality, huh?