Category Archives: Self esteem.

I’m Back!!!

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Well here we are again, who knew I’d find another use for this blog in the future hey?

I’m thinking I need to reintroduce myself ,as the person that wrote the previous blogs doesn’t exist anymore. Well it sure doesn’t feel like they’re me anyway but I didn’t want to delete them as they’re a memory of a much easier period of my life.

Well I’m back, with a totally new use for this wordpress blog. I intend to use it as my online life journal featuring my journey through Counselling Psychology and beyond…

Oh yes!! Mummy went back to school after she had that third child that was previously mentioned in the archives. In hindsight the timing of baby number three didn’t work out quite so well, but the beautiful little human being we decided to create is the apple of my eye even though she’s an absolute little menace. Yep, seriously the naughtiest one by far!!

So in a nutshell peeps I had an amazing 2013, a tiny, beautiful, spirited little girl appeared in my life and the family unit was completed. Unfortunately 2014 came along too quickly and my life pretty much fell apart.

I lost my brother, Matthew, suddenly and unexpectedly in the early hours of August 18th 2014  (coincidentally my new daughter’s 1st birthday). I don’t actually know where to start to express the depths of feeling I experienced over this period of my life, but it’s safe to say I’ve never felt pain like this. I would never see him again. Never, ever and that was an awful feeling that took weeks for me to even make sense of.

I’d made very little effort keeping in touch with Matthew and now the window of opportunity was gone forever. I loved my dear brother but the relationship was far from ideal. Matthew struggled choosing the right people to be in his life, and his choices meant I stayed away. Combined with my husband’s obvious disdain for Matthew, plus a busy family life I often pushed thoughts of visiting Matt into the ‘see him soon box’. Even down to forgetting his 40th birthday in the May of that year… I have no excuses apart from these and no one to blame apart from myself.

Over the past year, I had to work through these feelings of loss, support my bewildered family as best I could from my own grief cloud, oh and pretend that everything was fine for my husband and children’s sake. As feelings of this depth were a struggle in this family unit, I’m really sad to say.

I turned inwards, perhaps some days it wasn’t even obvious that I was changing but I was and there was no choice. Without trying to patronise readers, I have to say without a loss in a similar remit you cannot know how this feels. I’m sure people believe they can but they can’t. I’ve always been a deeply empathetic personality and I pick up peoples’ feelings when engaged in an connective moment with them. But this I had seen but could not even imagine the darkness I later felt…

This turned out to be the start of a transition period for me, change quietly followed despair. It’s where I found the real me breaking out of the me I’d created. I knew I would only be happy again if I took some life lessons from this experience.

Matthew never fulfilled his potential and life was hard for him. His dreams of being a musician in the Army band were dashed early on due to his deafness. (He failed his medical) In today’s education system I imagine he would have received support through school as I do feel he perhaps had a mild learning difficulty. But in his day the support was few and far between. Boredom and being easily led didn’t lead him into the best life and he ended up in a situation of long term unemployment due to a work related injury. I’m not going to delve into his life any further than that, as this is on the internet and I feel that would be disrespectful as Matthew was a private man. He was happy enough when he was deep sea fishing but I’m unsure as to how happy he was generally. This feeling rang warning bells in my own head.

Soul searching started me onto a path of personal analysis, I was in a privileged position unlike Matthew, I’d married young but chosen well. I had a hard working, ambitious, successful husband who loved me dearly and three beautiful children, close extended family and plenty of friends who ‘got me’. Plus a nice enough job with a great team of people.

Again I’m not going to delve to deeply into my personal life as it’s not just my story, but in a nutshell although I loved my husband, I felt my emotional needs weren’t being met. I felt my interests, my sacrifices and me as an individual had little; if any respect in my family unit. There was no room for personal growth, development or change and we were as a couple starting to lack any interests or point of views in common, I felt. There was also an element of me getting more emotional support from other relationships than I did in my marriage.

Rightly or wrongly I ended my fifteen year marriage and my seventeen year relationship in June this year. Incredibly sad and I’m still carrying the raw trauma of this, alongside serious guilt and now an anxiety condition to boot.

Although this is by far the decision with the most difficult consequences/impact on others as well as myself I’ve ever made, not all my personal changes have been negative.

I’ve now got a stunning feminine tattoo to remind myself to be true to me, I’ve got my second driving test coming up in January and I work more and the balance between raising my children and going to work suits me a lot better.

I’m finally doing something I’ve dreamed of for a long time and I have gone back into education. I hope to have a career rather than a job in a few years and I intend to do whatever it takes to get it.

This is my intention behind blogging again. I’m going to use this blog as a counselling psychology student’s online journal and incorporate my study into my spiritual life too.

On that note, Matthew’s death is where my spiritual journey began.

A little exploration and discussion with a friend who was stumbling up a pagan path of his own at the time, a vaguely pagan mother’s influence plus the completely different way I perceived everything around me inevitably lead me to a crossroads in life. Blinding pain slowly turned into acceptance of the power of life, death and all the magic that lies in between.

With this came the birth of my Facebook ‘Free Spirited Soul Tribe Community Group’ with it’s first name ‘Free Spirited Pagan Community Group’. A group for myself and an old friend of mine, to explore in more depth what we were starting to learn about on various other groups.

We wanted a more relaxed group without the conflict we saw in the other ones’, a place to share our interests with like minded people, and to learn in company.

One year later people must have liked the idea, as it’s standing 2000 members strong, with lots of beautiful photography, inspired artwork, plenty of mythology, and a warm friendly place with the balance of a bit of darkness for people to tune into on Facebook. Plus the added bonus of spiritual support and advice in whatever subject matter’s to the individual. (I love this I’ve always been a bit of an agony aunt!)

I started off with a year and a day to explore a new faith, previously I have had a dabble with divination, in the form of tarot cards and I grew up with pagan festivals without being aware of what they really were. So delving into the pagan word felt like I was coming home in a way. A way to focus on something when the rest of the world held no comfort for me anymore.

The wheel of the year looked the best place to start; so starting with the autumn equinox or Mabon to others, I set to exploring each turn in my own way, lots of research and rewriting for my group. I started to feel the energy of nature and the magic of Gaia (our mother Earth) fairly early on and now often you’ll find me turning to her for healing.  Sitting under the stars never fails to relax me no matter how crap my day is… I discovered I felt a pull to the elements and in particular water, which I felt reflected me at that time. I’m fairly balanced but the water element was slightly stronger in me at that point..I still draw energy from being near it, although I’m finding very recently that I seem to feel more like the fire within me has come to the surface. I’m bringing things together in the last few months, I’ve found my strength.

This initial interest, that started with The Wheel Of The Year and The Elements, lead me to exploring astrology also. My natal chart was fascinating and I like to explore other people’s charts too.

Being drawn to the moon cycles fairly quickly pulled me at first into the Wicca realm. I still enjoy lots of aspects about this tangent but it’s no longer the main pull within my faith.

Right from the start, shamanic ideas held a beautiful simplistic truth for me, this particular interest is growing within me. I particularly love the concept of the dream walking and shadow work still now.

The darkness in me is very attracted to some of the fundamental concepts of Lucifernarism . The walking in your own power a particular favourite of mine.

All in all now I identify with only my own path, my interests are too varied to tag myself in anymore so I just say ‘I’m a kooky sort of Pagan’ if asked.

I’m here to eventually help people, with the healing I do best I believe…Which is to listen to you, walk your path with you for a while when it gets lonely, and perhaps help you bring yourself into a good alignment with your spiritual self. Too many of us live with the ego and don’t experience the peace and beauty that being our true self can bring. This is where I’d like to incorporate my study with my spirituality and turn it into a career.

Although I’ve had a lot on my plate this last year, all in all I do feel stronger and more in my own power.

So now the introduction is done I’m going to share my lesson journey on here and then onto my blog page on my website ‘The Free Spirited Soul Tribe Community UK.’  For those interested in either my spirituality, my career path or just me, do check in and have a look about.

Happy reading people, please feel free to communicate with me as much as possible please. I love to hear your feedback.

Kara xxx

Flirty 30’s

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Flirty 30’s

I have to say after browsing the world of facestalk for the third time this morning and seeing a fair few status from classmates depicting turning 30, I thought I’d share my view of life in my 30th year.

First you need to know me as a person before i get on with the topic at hand. I am a little vain,quite self obsessed, if truth be known.  I have had regular weight battles and serious bad skin days. Yup you heard right bad skin days, I have bad skin days as opposed to bad hair days. When you have hair like mine, that is neither curly nor straight,and has a double crown, every day is a bad hair day. I don’t even notice it much if truth be known, so I have bad skin days.

I have spent my school days cursing my thick legs, short stature and small boobs. My teen years wishing I was tall, slender and blond like my then boyf’s idea of perfection and my 20’s on diet and exercise regime’s to melt my post baby curves and turn me into Mila Kunis. As she is brunette and shortish it must be possible right?  Right?

So in fact I’ve decided I really like being 30. My 20’s rushed by,we moved,and moved and moved. Everytime we got a home to our taste it was time to move. It was not a bad time, but it was a busy time. I learnt who I was in my 20’s. I built a relationship with a man I didn’t know, we grew up together and went through some crazy up’s and down’s but learnt to love each other properly. (we still fight and it’s ok) I added two beautiful, unique children to the world and set on my journey of bringing them up and looking after them until they’re ready to set out on their own journey. I made parenting mistakes, learnt how to be a parent and realised what it takes to be a mother.

Physically I’d never thought I made the grade for a good-looking 20-year-old and this was a source of a lot of my discontent, but at 30 I’m feeling a lot less pressure. Crazy really because I actually looked quite acceptable and didn’t make the most of it!  My 30-year-old friends look like 30-year-old friends even the ones with the tightest bodies’ are not really much competition for the 18-25 something girl, anymore. Well at least in the looks department, that the celeb magazine’s value,that is!

It’s ok though. We feel like women. I am a woman. I know me. I can cope with my depressive/anxiety states. I have  the life experience and the mad stories to keep people entertained over a dinner table. That seems to come with age. I have complete sexual confidence. I respect my vagina,it respects me. Most of the time 😉  I have lived abroad (and decided the best place is home ) I have long-term relationships/friendships with some amazing unique people,that have the depth of history made together. My hubby’s parent’s and my parent’s are still young enough to enjoy life along with us, and I’m seeing them as people in their own right not as only an addition to me.

My son and my best friend’s daughter now play in our garden (we have been friend’s since eight years old),with their siblings as we watch on. Precious moment’s I hope I remember for ever. Our friendship goes on.

Yeah my 30’s are going to see a new me. I believe I’m finally starting to develop body confidence which is in no relation to my diet and exercise habits. I’ve earned my mummy tiger stripes literally and I think it’s time for me to wear them with pride rather than hiding my body away, worried that someone will comment. When all said and done, I’m very lucky. I’m healthy, I’m slim enough (bmi is in check,which is how I like it), with a little waist and bloody good boobs (they grew :-D), so who cares about my bingo wings and fat thighs. My friends don’t, my husband doesn’t. I’ve still got a pretty face, with big beautiful eyes and I like to see the age changing my face in the pictures of me and my children (who get bigger and bigger), year by year. I feel a whole person, which sounds mad,but that’s how I feel.

I wonder what I will learn in the next ten years, what will I experience before I’m 40.What could happen next? I love being 30, don’t  you?

Womens talk-A weighty issue.

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Womens talk-A weighty issue.

I have a summer holiday in Turkey booked for June,I have vowed to get in shape for it.I’ve got a home gym in the garage made up of various fads I’ve had in the past.There’s a cross trainer that sorted out my baby weight left from having my daughter Leah,there’s the rowing machine i had to shed the baby weight left from my son Sammy,there’s the treadmill i bullied my neighbours mercilessly for a year untill they sold it to me (to be fair they were using it as a bloody clothes horse!!) and there’s the weights trainer that my hubby would tell you he uses,but in reality i can’t remember the last time it had weight put on it .My rather handy hubby has installed a ceiling,IR heating and a wood floor. It’s also Wednesday,and on a Wednesday i was going to visit my gym come hell or high water. Truth is Wednesday is the only day in the week i don’t work in the daytime (I go in at half five to count stuff instead) so it makes sense to do a little exercise on a wednesday.All it takes is that short walk down the path and I’m there.But i’m not,im still here talking to myself!

I  want to wear a bikini on holiday ,not a one piece or a tankini.The one piece costume seems to have a wonderful knack of making my boobs look flatter and my arse look fatter,and the tankini hides the bit of my body that is really quite skinny.(Under my boobs where the bra line stops,in case you were wondering). I really don’t want to wear ethier one poolside. Pool….side, you understand as I don’t get in the pool unless my life depended on it.I hate my hair getting wet,I hate children splashing ,I like being hot,really hot, a hot you never get in this beautiful country we live in,where it rains 99% of the fucking time. I  don’t see the point of cooling down on holiday,if i wanted to stay cool i’d holiday in Cornwall, i go on holiday to get hot.

I want to look great in a bikini without running on my treadmill.Today I don’t want to have to run to nowhere.My bumcheeks don’t want to create their own gravitational force,my stomach muscles don’t want to pull me into another sit up and to be honest i would rather go back to bed.

There it is in a nutshell really,why are things that are good for us so hard? Why do we to try to look a way that most of us will never achieve anyway? Don’t get me wrong,i don’t class myself as fat.I’ve never been obese or morbidly obese, I’m usually somewhere between the upper end of the normal weight Bmi scale or just into the overweight category of the Bmi scale, when I don’t use the gym or I eat what I want to rather than what’s actually good for me. But i feel pressure to look and work towards someone elses ideal.I  think society has to take some blame,i do read the ridiculous magazines that will portray a larger figure to be a figure much like Beyonces.I hate to disagree but she is about eight or nine stone max, she is hardly plus size is she? But i’m intelligent enough to realise those magazines are complete bollocks and i should probably not give the publishers my hard-earned money,(well my earned money at least).

I’m not critical towards other people’s bodies in the slightest,I’ll be the first to point out your amazing bone structure or reply ‘don’t be daft you’re not fat, you’re perfectly in proportion and by god look at that amazing rack’,or when you winge I’ll say how boring it would be if we were all the same but I find it hard to extend the same kindness to myself .I understand and like my personality (we talk for hours ;-D) but I am so critical of my body that houses it!

I’m wondering exactly where it stems from,i had a happy childhood and i can’t remember even worrying about my body shape as a child,i don’t think it was on my radar.Although i did get involved in my first relationship of four years at a very young age,age 14,with a lad who had crippling self-esteem issues so maybe a bit rubbed off on me in my teens.

I also got married young and had my daughter quite young,I was only 19 years old when I fell pregnant with Leah ,and I found it incredibly difficult to cope with the changes pregnancy had made to my figure after she was born,just before my 20th birthday.I had thought baby weight just comes off naturally,in my case, this just isn’t true. So after feeling unhappy for about a year,waiting for it to fall off ,all the while stuffing myself with nahn breads as a tasty brunch snack or family sized chocolate bars as they ‘were cheaper’. I took matters into my own hands and put myself on a strict diet and vigorous exercise regime where i trained in the gym four mornings a week,plus using a cross trainer in the evenings and i used to Rollerblade on a weekend. I also cut out processed foods,starchy white carbs,sweet things,well most foods to be honest,i lived on protein and veg with two squares of dark chocolate as a treat.

I did find the exercise addictive and i think it was a crutch for a rather difficult time of my life too.I loved my daughter unreservedly but I found adjusting to being a young mother and the move to Germany to live with my husband difficult.Within the first two years of Leah’s life ,my mother battled an aggressive breast cancer and my sister was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder plus manic depression for good measure (bi polar disease) so it was a tough time within our family and quite simply i missed my parents and my sister beyond belief when I couldn’t see them regularly ,as well as adjusting to the fact I was a mother and housewife already at 20.

So back to the weight issue as I’m off on a tangent.I held this figure and lifestyle for about four years .I felt I looked fantastic but it didn’t make me any happier,i was just as up and down as always. It didn’t change any problems in my life.

I found once I’d moved back to the UK, I was able to relax a little,with the input of family and close friends,i became slightly less obsessive with my diet and exercise routine. I gained a little bit of weight and a life.We then made the decision to have another child and Sam left me with a bit of extra weight too.I again sold into the idea of thin is sexy and joined weight watchers,it worked for me I was back to eight stone ish in no time.Problem was I couldn’t hold it off,as soon as I started to eat like a person rather than a mouse I regained it with some more on top.

Right now I’ve managed through not overeating but not dieting and occasional jaunts into my gym, to lose some weight and tone up a bit,but i’m far from eight stone,so here we are right back where I’ve started.I want to wear that bikini for my holiday,did i say? So to gym or not to gym that is the question,isn’t it? Or is it still a question of self esteem?

Respect in the community.

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Respect in the community.

I’m really quite sure that my wonderings over the last two days may not appeal to every friend of mine that had a laugh reading ‘a confident vagina’ but this blog to me was going to be more of a diary,a thought diary if you will or a bucket to tip conversations i have with myself out of my head.I have the tendency to go over and over the same thoughts constantly,so it’s my bit of therapy.We can always talk boobies another day?

I’m angry about something and I want to write about it,so that’s exactly what im going to do.You were not kidding,Teresa Morgan when you said this blog stuff is addictive 😉

So ok, i was at work wed when a neighbour ,and I suppose colleague if you like, as she works for the same company albeit at another store,wanders in and we have a chat. She was chatting about her family,some recent holiday plans, quite run of the mill stuff really,so i asked her how was work going? I might add here that,i think we’ll call her Lana to respect her privacy,Lana has what society would call a learning disability, an easy tag to describe individuals who don’t fit the box of what is perceived as the norm,i think. Lana has confided to me that she has had developmental delays growing up,she finds social interaction difficult and classes herself as a vulnerable adult now she’s in her mid twenties. Although she is very warm and friendly with people she knows,she find’s it hard to initiate a conversation with people she doesn’t know.

Anyway she instantly dropped eye contact and stared up towards the ceiling but looked really sad. Lana has worked in her job for a number of years and seemed very content there,it’s what got us chatting in the first place really,that and our mutual love of gummy sweets. She said she might have to ‘change things there.’ I did question what had changed as she’d seemed happy there in the past. To which she replied telling me she had a new colleague. Lana felt that the person in question is treating her like’ she’s different’ this is her own words,she felt he had been sending her to do things,that had been done and laughing with another colleague at Lana’s efforts. I felt so sad for her,as Lana has struggled other the years with what i would call bullying.Plenty of unkind remarks,laughing at her expense and social exclusion from her peer group,but her job was always a big positive in her life. I have encouraged her to set up a meeting with a store manager so hopefully the problems will get resolved in her case.I’m kind of hoping the horrible individual get’s fired or some poetic justice might come back and smack him in the face or someone else makes him feel like the ignoramus that he is and/or punches him in the face.

But it makes me question society as a whole really,I have heard a friends thankfully ex partner,a grown man of 30 plus years shout out names such as ‘freak’ at Lana and had to have a serious discussion with a friend of my daughters about respecting human rights and everyone being very different but that being an amazing thing, after inappropriate behaviour towards her too. I understand children will always question life and differences but we as parents and as a community have a responsibility to protect and uphold the rights of everyone in it,don’t we? A responsibility to educate our children about differences and appropriate behaviour towards people in our community? Why do so many people not give a shit or even worse exploit others or use them for a joke. Its prejudice isn’t it? Just a heads up,I don’t think it’s funny at all!!!

Women’s talk. A confident vagina.

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Women’s talk. A confident vagina.

What do I want to talk about today? My first proper blog and quite simply I want to discuss my vagina, perhaps your vagina,all of our vagina’s . Yep really ;-D

We as young women have come a long way since our grandmothers time. We live in a liberated free society with women as a whole in charge of their own sexual existence. Who,when and how much being a woman’s choice. I live in a place where talking sex toys,sexual partners, pornography and extra marital affairs are fairly common place and I don’t live in Albert square ethier in case you were wondering 😀  Yet I talk with the same women and they seem fairly surprised if I say the word vagina!

I have one friend who in her younger years has helped me to visualise most penis’ she has encountered,this has made fascinating conversation and led to plenty of deep (excuse the pun) thoughtful reflections on us as sexual beings. But it did lead me to wonder why when we would discuss such intimate acts we would do so without ever using the word vagina.

There it came about,for me it was embarrassing,i don’t find discussing sex,boobs or willies embarrassing but back then I found discussing my own vagina was indeed embarrassing. I had thought in my late teens that it didn’t look exactly the same as other vagina’s I’d seen working in the adult film industry and thought maybe a nip and a tuck would make it more attractive for a man to look at? I’ve pondered this a little over the years but never brought it up. A  few years later as an adult i mentioned something to my sister one day. After two vaginal births,one episotomy and two lots of stitches, my vagina still didn’t quite look like Debbie’s from Dallas’ ,i’m afraid. My sister lent a great perspective on the matter partly because she owns a vagina and partly because she’s seen more vagina’s than i have as she happens to be gay. She laughed and insisted no two are the same,just as no two penis are alike. This was a few years ago and i also read an article aimed for young teens at the same time.It was enabling them to understand their bodies are all different and supposed to be that way. It discussed photo airbrushing that occurs on the majority of adult publications. With a small (or large)  input from my husband when branded with the question of surgery in relation to one of his favourite places,he added his vagina’s =good surgery=bad angle,which made me feel slightly silly about the whole idea.

I decided then that i would hate my daughter to feel the way i had,to grow up and feel so uncomfortable with such an amazing part of her own body.I vowed then to bring it to the forefront of sexual conversations with friends. Plenty of pointed inappropriate conversations later with my colleagues in ‘retail super giant’ i seem to have single-handedly increased the daily word usage of vagina.I discuss my vagina when relevant and maybe occasionally when not, as do plenty of my close friends now 😀

We as women are having sexual relationships, we need to feel we are equal participants in them, our vagina’s pleasure is just as important as your man’s penis. So celebrate what we have and who we are. Let’s be honest, who (other than you Katie Price) is crazy enough to undergo major surgery for a pretty fanny when most men are just extremely grateful to get to a receptive vagina,any receptive vagina!!!