Well here we are again, who knew I’d find another use for this blog in the future hey?
I’m thinking I need to reintroduce myself ,as the person that wrote the previous blogs doesn’t exist anymore. Well it sure doesn’t feel like they’re me anyway but I didn’t want to delete them as they’re a memory of a much easier period of my life.
Well I’m back, with a totally new use for this wordpress blog. I intend to use it as my online life journal featuring my journey through Counselling Psychology and beyond…
Oh yes!! Mummy went back to school after she had that third child that was previously mentioned in the archives. In hindsight the timing of baby number three didn’t work out quite so well, but the beautiful little human being we decided to create is the apple of my eye even though she’s an absolute little menace. Yep, seriously the naughtiest one by far!!
So in a nutshell peeps I had an amazing 2013, a tiny, beautiful, spirited little girl appeared in my life and the family unit was completed. Unfortunately 2014 came along too quickly and my life pretty much fell apart.
I lost my brother, Matthew, suddenly and unexpectedly in the early hours of August 18th 2014 (coincidentally my new daughter’s 1st birthday). I don’t actually know where to start to express the depths of feeling I experienced over this period of my life, but it’s safe to say I’ve never felt pain like this. I would never see him again. Never, ever and that was an awful feeling that took weeks for me to even make sense of.
I’d made very little effort keeping in touch with Matthew and now the window of opportunity was gone forever. I loved my dear brother but the relationship was far from ideal. Matthew struggled choosing the right people to be in his life, and his choices meant I stayed away. Combined with my husband’s obvious disdain for Matthew, plus a busy family life I often pushed thoughts of visiting Matt into the ‘see him soon box’. Even down to forgetting his 40th birthday in the May of that year… I have no excuses apart from these and no one to blame apart from myself.
Over the past year, I had to work through these feelings of loss, support my bewildered family as best I could from my own grief cloud, oh and pretend that everything was fine for my husband and children’s sake. As feelings of this depth were a struggle in this family unit, I’m really sad to say.
I turned inwards, perhaps some days it wasn’t even obvious that I was changing but I was and there was no choice. Without trying to patronise readers, I have to say without a loss in a similar remit you cannot know how this feels. I’m sure people believe they can but they can’t. I’ve always been a deeply empathetic personality and I pick up peoples’ feelings when engaged in an connective moment with them. But this I had seen but could not even imagine the darkness I later felt…
This turned out to be the start of a transition period for me, change quietly followed despair. It’s where I found the real me breaking out of the me I’d created. I knew I would only be happy again if I took some life lessons from this experience.
Matthew never fulfilled his potential and life was hard for him. His dreams of being a musician in the Army band were dashed early on due to his deafness. (He failed his medical) In today’s education system I imagine he would have received support through school as I do feel he perhaps had a mild learning difficulty. But in his day the support was few and far between. Boredom and being easily led didn’t lead him into the best life and he ended up in a situation of long term unemployment due to a work related injury. I’m not going to delve into his life any further than that, as this is on the internet and I feel that would be disrespectful as Matthew was a private man. He was happy enough when he was deep sea fishing but I’m unsure as to how happy he was generally. This feeling rang warning bells in my own head.
Soul searching started me onto a path of personal analysis, I was in a privileged position unlike Matthew, I’d married young but chosen well. I had a hard working, ambitious, successful husband who loved me dearly and three beautiful children, close extended family and plenty of friends who ‘got me’. Plus a nice enough job with a great team of people.
Again I’m not going to delve to deeply into my personal life as it’s not just my story, but in a nutshell although I loved my husband, I felt my emotional needs weren’t being met. I felt my interests, my sacrifices and me as an individual had little; if any respect in my family unit. There was no room for personal growth, development or change and we were as a couple starting to lack any interests or point of views in common, I felt. There was also an element of me getting more emotional support from other relationships than I did in my marriage.
Rightly or wrongly I ended my fifteen year marriage and my seventeen year relationship in June this year. Incredibly sad and I’m still carrying the raw trauma of this, alongside serious guilt and now an anxiety condition to boot.
Although this is by far the decision with the most difficult consequences/impact on others as well as myself I’ve ever made, not all my personal changes have been negative.
I’ve now got a stunning feminine tattoo to remind myself to be true to me, I’ve got my second driving test coming up in January and I work more and the balance between raising my children and going to work suits me a lot better.
I’m finally doing something I’ve dreamed of for a long time and I have gone back into education. I hope to have a career rather than a job in a few years and I intend to do whatever it takes to get it.
This is my intention behind blogging again. I’m going to use this blog as a counselling psychology student’s online journal and incorporate my study into my spiritual life too.
On that note, Matthew’s death is where my spiritual journey began.
A little exploration and discussion with a friend who was stumbling up a pagan path of his own at the time, a vaguely pagan mother’s influence plus the completely different way I perceived everything around me inevitably lead me to a crossroads in life. Blinding pain slowly turned into acceptance of the power of life, death and all the magic that lies in between.
With this came the birth of my Facebook ‘Free Spirited Soul Tribe Community Group’ with it’s first name ‘Free Spirited Pagan Community Group’. A group for myself and an old friend of mine, to explore in more depth what we were starting to learn about on various other groups.
We wanted a more relaxed group without the conflict we saw in the other ones’, a place to share our interests with like minded people, and to learn in company.
One year later people must have liked the idea, as it’s standing 2000 members strong, with lots of beautiful photography, inspired artwork, plenty of mythology, and a warm friendly place with the balance of a bit of darkness for people to tune into on Facebook. Plus the added bonus of spiritual support and advice in whatever subject matter’s to the individual. (I love this I’ve always been a bit of an agony aunt!)
I started off with a year and a day to explore a new faith, previously I have had a dabble with divination, in the form of tarot cards and I grew up with pagan festivals without being aware of what they really were. So delving into the pagan word felt like I was coming home in a way. A way to focus on something when the rest of the world held no comfort for me anymore.
The wheel of the year looked the best place to start; so starting with the autumn equinox or Mabon to others, I set to exploring each turn in my own way, lots of research and rewriting for my group. I started to feel the energy of nature and the magic of Gaia (our mother Earth) fairly early on and now often you’ll find me turning to her for healing. Sitting under the stars never fails to relax me no matter how crap my day is… I discovered I felt a pull to the elements and in particular water, which I felt reflected me at that time. I’m fairly balanced but the water element was slightly stronger in me at that point..I still draw energy from being near it, although I’m finding very recently that I seem to feel more like the fire within me has come to the surface. I’m bringing things together in the last few months, I’ve found my strength.
This initial interest, that started with The Wheel Of The Year and The Elements, lead me to exploring astrology also. My natal chart was fascinating and I like to explore other people’s charts too.
Being drawn to the moon cycles fairly quickly pulled me at first into the Wicca realm. I still enjoy lots of aspects about this tangent but it’s no longer the main pull within my faith.
Right from the start, shamanic ideas held a beautiful simplistic truth for me, this particular interest is growing within me. I particularly love the concept of the dream walking and shadow work still now.
The darkness in me is very attracted to some of the fundamental concepts of Lucifernarism . The walking in your own power a particular favourite of mine.
All in all now I identify with only my own path, my interests are too varied to tag myself in anymore so I just say ‘I’m a kooky sort of Pagan’ if asked.
I’m here to eventually help people, with the healing I do best I believe…Which is to listen to you, walk your path with you for a while when it gets lonely, and perhaps help you bring yourself into a good alignment with your spiritual self. Too many of us live with the ego and don’t experience the peace and beauty that being our true self can bring. This is where I’d like to incorporate my study with my spirituality and turn it into a career.
Although I’ve had a lot on my plate this last year, all in all I do feel stronger and more in my own power.
So now the introduction is done I’m going to share my lesson journey on here and then onto my blog page on my website ‘The Free Spirited Soul Tribe Community UK.’ For those interested in either my spirituality, my career path or just me, do check in and have a look about.
Happy reading people, please feel free to communicate with me as much as possible please. I love to hear your feedback.